#i posted this before in 2020 but used bad tags and i feel like its too late to change them now haha

[dudouji]

[bobasnonbeliever]

only posting this here because i dont think anyone will see it. i need to get this out

im so fucking tired of my life. im tired of caring, like, in general. as stupid as it sounds, i was watching kitchen nightmares, and gordon said something about a chef or an owner, i dont remember exactly, he said; "losing hope is a scary thing to do, when theres just no more light at the end of the tunnel, it takes you down dark paths." or something like that. and ive been suicidal/depressed since i was 9, but i thought to myself "im not hopeless, am i?". the more i thought about it, the worse i felt because, god no, im not hopeless. im helpless, or maybe i wallow too much in my own self pity. i dont know the difference. every goddamn day feels like another waking nightmare, im sick of living with my mom, im sick of her not letting me get a job. i dont want my name on the damn electric bill because shes over $1,000 in debt to the power company anymore. shes already ruining my credit, and i dont even have a damn job! not to mention her fucking kid, her 5yo fucking kid, im taking care of. the product of the man who beat me over and over again, threatened to kill me, and then he took a greyhound bus out of our lives. why didnt she protect me? he never once hit her, or anyone else, why didnt mom help me? i was only 13 when he first pulled me by my hair and slammed me into the stairs because i let moms ice cream tub melt on the kitchen table for half an hour. it took him till my brother was 3 to leave. she valued him over me, and even now. im always taking care of my brother, even when he screams at me, cusses at me, throws things at me, spits on me, hits me, kicks me, claws me, bites me, and more. you get the point. she never even tells him to stop, she doesnt have to scream, or hurt him, or anything. just please, please tell them to stop hurting me. i still take care of him. i take care of him when she takes 20 fucking benadryl and passes out for the full time shes at home between shifts. i sacrificed my education to "help her" take care of him. and she gets mad at me when i parent him, when i tell him off, or even more mad when i have to cry and beg him to stop hurting me. she says "youre 22 years old, get a grip" when im covered in bruises from the 5 year old "hes five!" she will scream when i tell her he hurts me. "he is five, hes supposed to listen to you" i said once, and she just stared at me. im always fucking things up, she never fails to let me know, when she looks at me like that i know its my fault. i cant even begin on my relationship, i shouldnt, he might see this. i just want to give up, im so tired of caring, i want to let it all go. my dog died, i ruined him too, i couldnt take him to the vet i couldnt help him. hes gone because i failed. my baby, im not saying that in the cringy melinial way, he saved me from suicide. so many times, it was "hell be so confused why im gone..", "hes gonna miss me", "whos gonna take care of him?" but now hes gone and im still here. my baby, is gone and im so selfishly still here. why wouldnt she let me get a job? i couldve taken him, i couldve at least got him put down so he didnt have to suffer in his favourite spot on my bed till his kidneys put him down for us. if i didnt know, my boyfriend would kill himself too when he comes home from classes tomorrow, and i was dead, i would take the entire 160 count bottle of benadryl i stole from moms room. i want to see my baby, he never ever missed on helping me, i owe him my life and couldnt even give him that when he passed. but not for lack of trying.

but even so, i dont feel hopeless. maybe only yearning, but it feels enough like hope. when i use my right hand to stroke my left cheek and neck, it almost feels like someone else. i get a glimmer of a thought, "one day, i wont have to beg to be taken care of. someone will do it because they want to.", but still, it hurts worse. i dont know how i can possibly derive so much gut wrenching pain from that little bit of hope, but i do. and still, i cant help myself, i cant blame anyone else. i can only hope someone will come save me. if i could handle this all on my own, i wouldnt be here typing this.

i want to decompose.

writing this after that monster of a textblock in the tags, but if you were wondering. im not exaggerating about the mess, and i wouldnt normally judge. because i have had worse bedrooms, mental illness is a bitch. but its in the common area, and she absolutely does make the 5yo live in it. she moved out to the living room after their room was too trashed for her to even walk in, so she toated her 50" fucking tv right out there and hasnt moved, accept to go to work, since. everyone pray or cross your fingers or send me some good energy to hope she gets sliced into a million pieces at work instead of accidentally oding on bennies so i can raise my brother with her life insurance money.

[pumpkinsy0]

tldr: @buddyaldridge is a 30 year old weirdo proshipper who talks shit about ppl behind their backs, block em and report if you can/want to

just wanna let everyone know theres a omegaverse mpreg dallyboy writer whos been an all around WEIRDOOOOO cause their brain is LITERALLY porn rotted and they cannot fathom ppl actually having fun at all, their @ is @buddyaldridge aka @pelopsides previously known as @madelynprior

in 2020-2022 the outsiders tumblr they used to be @madelynprior and theyre a hardcore dallyboy stan which is already fucking weird, but on top of that, they would make teen pregnancy omegaverse smut fics which??? and im not gonna give you the ss, nigga im givin yall the LINKKK to see it with your own eyes so you know im not crazy

how ik its them is bc on their acc RIGHT before they switched to their buddyaldridge acc, and before that acc was named “pelopides”, they used to go by “madeleinepryor”, how ik its the same person is bc on a good chunk of their post, theyd tag it as “#madeleinepryor dispatches” on top of that, they just straight up linked their ao3 acc😭😭

heres what the link goes to, they linked their ao3 acc, they just changed their username on ao3 as well from madeleinepryor to greasers

now me calling them a proshipper isnt me talking out of my ass, they say it themselves like ughhhhjjj

as for them talking about other ppl, i wont share ALL the screenshots bc idk if the ppl theyre talking bad about would rlly feel comfortable w those being posted, if they know, they can feel free to post it on their own accord, so like i said, wont share, but i HAVE seen some and i can conform that they have done it, its ABSOLUTELY NOT above them

for now ill post the ss i CAN post rn which just proves my point

now ignoring that theyre talking smack, theyre just so odd and obviously didnt rlly think this through bc 1967 is ALREADY IMPLIED in the 60s, youre just incapable of reading things that arent about teen boys getting it on w each other PLEASE get a grip on reality😭😭

theyve talked about 14 year olds and their post on their acc just to shit on them, once again, GROWN ASS PERSON TWEAKIN OVER THE IDEAS OF A 14 YEAR OLD🗣️🗣️

NOW maybe your asking “how do you know the discord user and the tumblr user are the same person” AND I WILL ADMIT, while i DO have strong feelings they are the same person, its not 100% proven, HOWEVER buddyaldridge DOES go by buddy and that discord users name is buddy, so while its not concrete, the link IS there, once again, feel free to come to whatever conclusion you wanna come to about that

but what ISNT disputable is the fact that theyre a proshitter

additionally just this??? reblog from them????

on its own, not MUCH, bit considering the fics they make this is SO weird like??????

and finally, ive heard that theyve specifically came for me about my haitian shepards and maybe even my heritage, saying that they hated race hcs??????like using me as an example, they ss my acc and talked shit, someone contacted me about it and they dont have ss of it specifically, but they can vouch for it, and im not just gonna dismiss that, bc while they dont have ss, they do have ss and proof of everything else, so i do believe them, and theyve said if they find it they would show them to me, do what you wanna with this info

ANYWAYS buddy, your brain is unironically pornrotted, ur being a lil baby who cant do anything but cry and moan online on discord of all places and ur doing all this as a 30+ year old, and its CRAZIER bc youre doing all this while having “minors dni” in your pinned post, while also writing about minors, in a fandom MOSTLY OF MIDDLE SCHOOLERS!!!! (aka minors!!! ik age is hard for you to grasp) on top of that, literally ANY and ALL race hcs is way more believable and enjoyable than any “ideas” you’ve been cooking up in that odd demented, shriveled up pea brain of urs

anyways yea, that all i have to say, and im speaking for myself here, but i mean this with every fiber of my being, i dont know how you function in life but i DO NOT want you to go any farther, and i think others would/DO feel the same, ive seen what makes you cheer and i am PROUUUDDD to make you BOOOOO, you shouldnt be near minors at all, fictional or non fictional, you should BARELY be near other adults

plus if you go onto their acc rn, notice how when anon called them out, buddy aint even say they were wrong?? JUST SAYIN🗣️🗣️

im tagging everything i can tag bc i DO NOTTTT want mfs interacting w their blog, and want as many ppl as possible to be aware, dont say anything to them, dont give them attention bc obviously they’ll think this is funny and post it on their shitty discord server or whatever and giggle like they arent a grown ass nigga w bills to pay, trying so hard to cling onto their high school days, making fics about a canon middle schooler getting banged and pregnant, pls block and report do whatever u wanna do, just plssss dont let this proshitter on this damn sight near kidssss😭😭

dont take this as me WANTING drama, i dont, i just dont want ppl coming in this fandom thinking posting this shit and doing this is ok, youre bullying ppl for doing harmless things meanwhile your just making straight porn about a weird ship left n right, thinking YOUUUUU of all ppl have the place to talk about anyone or anything like your opinion on anything is valid😭😭

you NEED stones thrown at you

if anyone has anymore ss send em to mmeeeeee, but in the mean time ill be doin my own thing wooooo‼️‼️🔥🔥

[wind-becomes-lightning]

Bye to Wind and Lightning

TLDR: I AM WHINY AND IM GOING TO MOVE BLOGS TO A SMALLER ONE WHERE NOBODY KNOWS ME. EITHER @kikuneesama FOR GENERAL STUFF OR @konohamaru-sensei FOR ANIME STUFF.

Did you know that in 2020 when the pandemic held us all in a chokehold I decided to reread One Piece and Bleach, but consciously decided not to touch Naruto, as if I knew that I'd be sucked in real bad if I read it again? I was right. In 2021, I randomly thought "No, I will read it now" and then I did and boom I talked about nothing else for that summer and to channel my thoughts I made this blog right here separate from my main and not as a sideblog. I wanted to start completely over at a different place.

I had a terrible summer in 2021, constant mental breakdown. I don't want to bore you with the details because you don't care, but just being back doing the stuff I loved when I was 16 was such a blessing. I was truly happy in the first months here, especially with the discord servers and the oc talk and the friends I made. My boyfriend commented on it all the time, that I looked so very happy. And I was! But these things never stay.

The problem with me is, I want community, I want to talk headcanons and to bitch about characters I don't like and promote ships I love and cry and laugh and hug all of you for liking the same things as me and at the same time I'm terrified of rejection, of people hating me, of people spreading lies behind my back. I guess school does traumatise you in some way.

I can't survive in a cutthroat fandom like this one, I take things too personally too quickly. I don't understand that if you, a normal person with your own wishes, likes a thing I don't like or dislike a thing I like it doesn't mean you automatically hate me. You are just a different person and that is ok! It's not you. It's me. NO I'm not just saying that. It really is me.

Did you know that when I started out here I didn't tag my stuff? Especially not my OC stuff (and I still rarely tag it). The fear that someone might find it, hate on it, send me hate, make fun of it etc, sits so deep that I rather have my work not be seen at all. Yet, I need the attention to keep going because without the reblogs and likes and asks I feel like an utter failure.

My boyfriend says I am not good with the public eye on me and he is probably right. I envy those of you who can stand their ground and be self confident in their arguments. I envy those who don't care what others say, who can block and move on, who don't get a knot in their stomach when someone they had nice interactions with unfollows. I shouldn't care, but I do.

On my first tumblr blog I never looked at my followers, I never got asks either or was deep in fandom or anything, but I reblogged my stuff and posted my thoughts and was feeling good. I love tumblr, its the best social media out there for a reason. Yet, with this one, I got so self conscious about my followers, about what I can and can't say. If my presence would offend or not etc etc.

I was kinda looking forward to 1000 Followers because it is an insane number, but now at 997 I'm throwing in the towel. Isn't that like giving up before the finish line? Maybe, but I'm so tired and I want to be unknown again. I want to be nobody again. I want the naruto fandom to move on and forget I was ever here.

So I'm leaving! Sorry, I guess! At least for a good while. I might be back to finish the requests still pending on this account and then disappear again, but I don't know if I'll ever permanently come back. If you by any chance really, really really care about my presence, you can find me under @kikuneesama as a general spam blog with all sorts of things and under @konohamaru-sensei for anime-only stuff. This is also where my Naruto posting will be moving.

If you are a moot I will follow you from Kikuneesama again.

Thanks, I guess, for over two years of hanging out. I'm sorry I am such a lame loser.

One thing is for sure: Though I am moving to a blog named after Konohamaru, Kakashi will always be my love.

tschüss und auf wiedersehen, ~Nisi

PS: I'll q this a couple of times so I'm sorry if you have to see it a few times in the next few days. I swear I'll be gone after that.

[bibimbinge]

10 BL boys I want carnally <3

Much much love to @ayansbff for tagging me!! I hope you know what you’re in for cause tagging me in a post to simp?? ok! I have a reason to SCREAM about these men who made me question my asexuality.

Mantrisanu - Jeng (Step by Step)

nobody but my acemate (@mooniyuta) knows just how obsessed I was with Mantrisanu during the Step by Step era. When I tell ya I forgot I was ace as soon as I saw his giant 1.90m ass on screen.. I forgot I was even a person. I am a squirrel needing to climb a tree. WOW! just WOW!! Step by Step? No! Step On Me.

Jam Rachata - Tinn/Jiu (Laws Of Attaction/To Sir With Love)

just Jam Rachata in general. He’s just a few years older than me but I will call him Daddy. When I saw him in Laws of Attraction I was intrigued then I stayed for the plot then I got hooked with their chemistry. Lucky for me I’ve never watched To Sir With Love before, so I did… and I can hear the wedding bells ringing as soon as I saw how his hunky meaty goodness handle that rusted half scissors turned murder weapon.

First Kanaphan - Alan/Sand (Moonlight Chicken/Only Friends)

I’ve been salivating for this man since Not Me. I suffered through The Shipper for this man. It’s not just his beautiful handsome gorgeous self that does it for me, its also his charm. Like he’s so charming and has this aura about him that’s just warm and homey. His smile is like the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen. His eyes are just so sparkly and beautiful, if I ever meet him irl I’d probably trip over myself getting lost in them. I understand Khaotung not wanting to share him with anyone because I would do the same.

Bright - Yai (I Feel You Linger In The Air)

He’s so handsome I can cry. This man is like Jam x2. Like he has such a perfect face for male lead in romance genre. Where has he been all my life?? Maybe its Yai the character that feeds my deluluism, but when General Yai popped up in ifylita with a freakin porn stache and I wasn’t immidiately appalled, I knew I was a goner.

Neo - Boston (Only Friends)

Neo has always been cute to me. Catches my eye in every series he’s in but then Only Friends happened AND I WAS FLOORED!!! It was like ya know when you enter your teen years and that cute person you’ve grown up with had a growth spurt and you’re like daaaang when did you get hot 👀 Yeah that’s me with Neo.

Ohm Pawat - Pat (Bad Buddy)

specifically Ohm as Pat cause he was chunky and meaty and oof his arms were distracting as fuck. Anytime he showed up with that damn tank top I was like pls may I bite. He’s just so *feral animalistic growling* I personally love a man whos chunky meaty mucles and looks like they can lift me. AND HIS SMILE??? HIS TWINKLING EYED SMILE?!?!?!?! I’m gone. what a baaaabe!!!

Try imagining? alrighty if you say so 😚

Keita Machida - Kurosawa (Cherry Magic)

I remember watching cherry magic for the first time in 2020 and I was in awe. He is so dreamy and handsome. I hate to say it again guys but.. his smile!! Like I’m obsessed with him!! Both me and bestie screamed when we saw him in Alice In Borderland (overgrown blondie with roots showing and he is messy and he smokes and I was barely breathing) and then scream cried when his head EXPLODED!?!?!?!) Anyway, I’d marry this guy. like legit.

Earth Pirapat - Jim (Moonlight Chicken)

I am not done with the young dilfs. I have no other words other than !! HIM !! like I would need to make a seperate Earth appreciation post to start talking about him. This post is getting too long anyway so I’m gonna not say much here but.. just know I would drop everything for him.

Papang - Gumpa (Not Me)

my need for Papang to suffocate me in his tiddies arms is like my human need to eat to keep myself sustained. He just looks like the best recharging station. That doesn’t make sense but it makes sense.

Even going through the gif list to choose a Papang gif gave my tummy flips

Bosston Suphadach - Pruk (Between Us)

THERE’S A NEWBIE ON MY LIST WOO!!! I feel like because he hasnt been here long and has only played sub-minor parts, people forgot about him .. BUT I. DID. NOT. <3 Did you see him in between us alongside Sammy?? Yes. I too would be purposefully tripping in front of him so that he can hold me in his big strong arms. Also him and the doctor in Be My Favourite?? SIIIIICKKK!!!! Let’s just say I’m excited to watch their spinoff next year ✨

I’ve got a few more but these men are mainly the ones that I need to have. In conclusion, Big Guy, Big Arms, Big Smiles. Love them, Love Him.

thank you lovely gif makers @zhivchik @mushiemadarame @rayandgay @wanderlust-in-my-soul @kiyosuku @warmday @sunsetandthemoon @bunnakit @daikunart and lovely moots @dramalets @drama-nonsense @mooniyuta @mooninagust @these-emo-thoughts @sparklyeyedhimbo @khaotungsfirst @blue-grama @absolutebl @troubled-mind who enable this obsession.

[cosmossystem]

Hey, I'm sorry for suddenly dumping this onto your askbox, but I just feel the need to be heard

I honestly don't care about being anti and proship at all

But... Everytime I see a post from someone who proudly calling themselves anti... It's always so scarily violent

All those posts saying "kill yourself", "deserves to die", all of that stuff

If you don't like a person or stuff they make... Just block them, mute the tags they use, forget they ever exist

Literally easier to do that than harassing the said person or making others uncomfortable with your violence tendencies

This is why some people that have "I'm an anti" or "Proship dni" have become such a redflag to me, even tho most of the time people who uses them are genuinely just good people who misunderstood what proship is

I wish this whole discourse never existed, I miss everything before 2020...

^^ this

and we feel the exact same way

like we dont have any hard stances on shipcourse because both sides have misinfo and both are wrong about some things-- like, we are firmly anti-lolisho and thats one of the things that is usually seen as "proship", but we do have "problematic" ships and we believe in SALS and are anti-censorship. so much misinfo flies between the two because no one cares about being right, they care about looking right, much like every other fake-activist (which are unfortunately common these days.)

the only reason we even care to begin with is because antis have been so violent to us about it. if you arent with them, youre against them, and if youre against them, youre a target.

it seems like theres a lot of antis in neurodivergent & plural spaces, too, which is just crazy to me, so it feels like we have to specify every time "yes, we're the proship in your DNI, just block us please."

i do wanna say that while 2020 made things worse, ive been in shipcourse + fandom spaces since 2016 and it was pretty bad back then too. like in 2016 i had an anti-ship & anti-ddlg blog and there were DOZENS of other antis in the tags -- yall remember "character-against-bad-ships" blogs? yeah. we ran several of those and had hundreds of mutuals running them as well. (im getting flashbacks to "sonic-for-real-justice". eugh.)

we Fully Converted To Proshipism (/j) in about 2018-19, so i saw how bad it was getting right before covid and honestly its never fully recovered. fandom hasnt really been peaceful since... maybe before 2016? i dont know, i wasnt there. flaming and ship wars have always been around but i honestly cant think of when all this "pro v anti" stuff started. seems like it was a slow buildup and now its just fucking everywhere.

i know this wasnt the point of your ask, but im gonna go on a tangent here because i like to yap:

i think the current state of shipcourse is caused, in part, by the fact that younger generations are getting into fandom. except, i think every time someone points this out, they get it wrong and pin it on some bullshit like "younger fans are mistaking fandom for activism/politics!" that argument sucks because that doesnt afford any empathy to the teenagers and young adults who grew up in this awful fucking political climate (including myself.) fandom IS politics to young people, because they have been aware of the state of the world since the time they could read and dont know a world that isnt inherently political in every way.

and then that brings up the misconception that fandom isnt / should never be political, which isnt true and is literally just denial of what is already happening. every form of media and consumption is inherently political. proshippers tend to be wrong about that, plug their ears and lalala until it goes away while ignoring the very political parts of fandom-- like the misogyny, racism, ableism, aphobia... etc.

and so we get stuck in the same song and dance because everyone is wrong and parrots the same disinfo. fandom is very black and white like that. its either everything is ok, or none of it is, with no room for nuance. like for instance: you can enjoy shipping the canonically-aroace character with someone and that doesnt make you a bad person, but dont pretend that doesnt have any real world implications. and so on.

anyway. thank you for the ask, anon. sorry this got really long and passionate. im very opinionated.

- red

[angel-fruitcake]

Hello just need to vent with someone else cause I feel like im stressing all the people around me irl feel free to not answer if you dont want to its ok really ill understand (im just writing this to you cause i saw you posting about it)

Im not american but ive spent the last months watching the campaign (mostly from misha but also in general on the internet) amd i was scared. Then biden stepped down and I felt relieved and hopefull that harris could actually win this cause "whos gonna vote HIM again? Right???" Then (or maybe before ive lost semse of time) the assassination attempt happend and I got scared again cause he had just gained if nothing at least the coolest picture he could ever wish for. But after that so many people, celebrities and not, started endorsing her and I thought there was still hope

I remember how anxious i got in 2020 and the exact moment of relief seeing Georgia going blue. And that was bad because of covid and all the stress of that slow counting but this felt worse

I spent yesterday rewatching destiel episodes to celebrate the anniversary but also to distract myself from the election but at night I just could sleep i was so scared. I talked about it with all my friends and family but they were not feeling it like me. Like tes they were scared a bit but not... not in the same way. Maybe its because its my first year out? Half out (family still doesnt know) like... i fear for the queer people (and in gemeral all the people who might be endangered) in the us cause now i feel more in the community maybe? Idk but I couldnt sleep at all

This morning I woke up and spent the morning on the destiel tag and on the AP map watchung it going redder and redder every hour and now... i dont even know what to feel

Im at loss of words thoughts and feelings. I DONT KNOW

Im scared like if I couldve done somethng for it or if it could directly affect me. It will sure but not today tomorrow or in january. It will be slow and scary and ill have to watch it happen without tje possibility of doing anything about it. Just like i have seen two wars start and my vote been wasted into nothing when my own country elected the far right just this june

Im hopeless and so fucking scared rn and my friends look at me amd dont get why I feel like a lone freak going crazy over somethung i shouldnt care about when I know I actually have to and they should care too and idk how to warn them i dont know what to do

And im not even american. I cant begin to imagine how it feels to know you have even done anythung you could and it changed nothing

So right now I wanna tell you all of you americans that you are not alone. That we are as scared as you are. Maybe it might be totally useless know this but... to me just seeing on line people going nuts makes me feel less crazy so yeah

sorry for the bad english my brain cant think straight rn (or ever lol)

omg anon i'm so sorry i didn't see this until just now !

it's perfectly ok for you to vent in my inbox. let all your fears and worries out, don't bottle them up. i'm glad you at least won't be directly affected in the immediate future, and i hope to god it stays that way.

i'm very scared as well, especially being a woman of reproductive age in america. i live in a red state too, so i already have less freedoms than my friends and family in blue states. i don't know what the future holds for america or the world, and that thought is terrifying. but all we can do right now is cling tight to our loved ones and take care of each other the best we can. i hope things will turn out okay for us all 🫂💕

ps. keep watching those destiel episodes if they bring you even a little bit of comfort. i know they definitely do for me when i feel like i'm being suffocated by the weight of everything around me

[the1975attheirverybest]

hi! longtime lurker, first time commenter and i need your help with something. i made a tiktok video about a recent 1975 show i went to and someone left a comment saying “he’s a racist but sure” referring to matty and i feel conflicted about their comment because while i don’t believe that’s true, i also don’t know if my love for the band and for matty has made me quick to dismiss some of his more problematic behavior. i know you’ve talked a bit on here about wrestling with this and i was curious if you would mind sharing how that process has been for you and where you’ve landed with it. thanks in advance :)

Hiii 💗 thank you for reaching out.

Yeah, this is something that came up a lot for me last year and earlier this year with the whole podcast drama. I’ve spoken about it in great detail before but since the tags STILL 😡 don’t work on here I can’t find the posts.

I think it’s ultimately a personal choice that you have to make for yourself. I won’t tell you what to think or do, but I can tell you how *I* think about it.

It’s normal to question yourself, I think. I mean, none of us really know Matty on a personal level, right? I think o wondered if, like, my love for his work and attraction to him had blinded me to some bitter truths about who he is. And I tend to pride myself on critical thinking and always talk about nuance on here, so what kind of person would I be if I didn’t practice what I preach, right? I took a step back and examined it all.

I went back through interviews, stage “speeches,” tweets, jokes, etc. saw them IN CONTEXT (cuz we all know how the internet loves to take stuff out of context and twist its meaning), thought about each instance and whether I perceived it to be harmful, bigoted, etc. or not, and kinda decided from there. I went through each and every single accusation, looking at it in context, thought about it, heard the arguments, and made my decision.

The conclusion that I came to after this examination, looking at actual evidence and the actual words that he used and the situations that he’s used them in, is that he’s not racist. Not at all.

A racist person wouldn’t write songs like Loving Someone, LIIWMI, etc. mind you this all happened in 2018, NOT the summer of 2020 when it was suddenly hip and cool and profitable for celebrities to be “woke.” I think he has a career-long record of showing exactly who he is. Whether it was in his best interest to do so or not.

I also found, through this digging and thinking about it, that he has his blind spots (as every human being does). He’s insanely privileged and doesn’t always seem to realize how his privilege has molded his experience of the world. The nepo-baby argument that he always makes is a great example of this. His stance on gender is also another example. So, as a result of his privilege, he will sometimes do or say things and assume that everyone will understand them the way that he does, and that’s not always the case.

To be clear, I’m not saying he’s naive. He’s not. But sometimes he assumes that the things that are common sense to him are common sense to everyone else. Maybe to some people those blind spots of his are too much. That’s fine.

In the end, what matters to me is that he be someone that I can stand behind. I can have faith in. I can believe is a good human being. Even if he does make mistakes sometimes. And I believe that to be true. He’s not bigoted, he’s not racist, he’s not a bad person. He speaks his mind. He stands up for what’s right even when it gets him into trouble. He’s smart, he’s self-reflective, he’s kind. BUT he’s a human being. He’s flawed. He says things too quickly without considering the consequences sometimes, he gets caught up in situations and feelings. He’s not perfect. And that’s okay. To me it is anyway.

It’s possible to disagree with someone and still love and support them. As long as the thing we disagree on isn’t “should black people have rights?” “Are women inherently inferior to men?” “Do queer folks deserve human rights?” Then it’s perfectly okay for him to sometimes do or say things that I wouldn’t. I have no expectation of him to be like 1000% flawless every single moment or every single day. Nor do I expect him to be in complete agreement with me all the time.

To be clear, supporting him doesn’t mean making excuses for him or looking the other way when he does do something “wrong.” I have called him out on stuff before and I will continue to do so. I guess I just don’t think that the occasional mistake makes him a bad person. And maybe that’s not right. But I know I’ve made mistakes before. And if it weren’t for the kindness of others who took the time to show me that I was wrong and to teach me, I wouldn’t have learned to grow.

Maybe that’s not for everyone. That’s okay. There are other artists who strive for that kind of flawless image. Perhaps those are better suited for people who dislike Matty’s way of doing things.

Ultimately it’s really down to what you believe him to be and whether or not you think you can, in good faith, support him. So, above all else, I would say tune out what the world thinks for a bit and find out what YOU think. Everything else will fall into place after that.

[speltfields]

NO WAAAYYY YOUR NEW WIP 😭😭😭😭 YOURE TRYING TO KILL US !!!!!

and about music he listens to it's so hard for me to decide some genre i've listened to all the shane playlists on spotify and i can't decide

what about you????

-🫶 anon

ok so first off to my non stardew followars (sorry) im gonna start tagging everything with #sdv posting so u can blaclklist. love u

answer under the readmore to save u all from the harmful psychic rays of my thoughts

i habe been thinking about the answer to this question for SOOOO LONGGGGG because i feel this has layers like here's all the different factors I have to consider

[and willfully ignore because hes my wet pathetic doll i can do whatever i want with]

1. stardew takes place in like the 80's yeah? 🤔🤔🤔 i ignore this one most of the time. giving them cellphones is funny. its the 2020s they all just have bad cell service and dial up still

2. emilys 8 heart event shane dresses like a punk. Dude gives off "i wanted to be a goth in middle school but couldnt afford tripp pants from the mall but now im an adult and too lazy to try" vibes. maybe his music taste reflects this

3. Umm he's "old" Lol (affectionate) I see him like late 30's early 40's...

4. But is he like COOL old or THINKS hes cool old (important distinction you have surely been around both types of men before and know the difference)

these are all of the factors i have to consider when choosing what music he would listen to.. the like "game takes place during the 80s" thing is the rule i play fast and loose. I only care about it if its funny contextually. usually its funnier if its not the case. Anyways onto the actual headcanons

I think shane would have pretty bad taste in music but once u are friends with him he's open to listening to new stuff and if you show him something new he hadn't heard before he'd say "Huh you're kind of weird aren't you 😏" making fun of you for it but secretly he'd think it was good/ he is def open to listening to new stuff. He secretly does like old school country as well. Noone knows this. You discover john denver/johnny cash cds buried under his bed (he listens to them to feel cool)

I think he would believe he had an eccentric music taste but then you'd go through his collection and its like... weezer. rhcp. maybe some metal. and ur like. This is Dad Rock Radio Tier and he'd be like "WHAT green day isnt dad rock" (i dont believe this yet but id say it to him anyway to make him mad. you understand)

you'd show him some shit like roswell kid and he'd go crazy for it even though its kinda cheesy. also he's randomly into stuff like aphex twin too.

I feel compelled to make him listen to the music i like but i know that that's wishful thinking. he's a dork that's why i like him. i might have to compound on this later when my brain works better (it takes me several weeks to form a single creative thought)

I haven't listened to any shane spotify playlists maybe i should... i do have my own playlist of songs that REMIND me of him but not necessarily stuff i think he'd listen to. I'm too embarrassed to post this 😈

[psychicbergara]

Your reply to that one anon was great.

It is kinda annoying to read messages/posts like that. And I have the feeling that there are more people now, who think they have to rebuke others that way. On the other hand, perhaps I’m the wrong person to determine this, because I’m only in the fandom since 2020. Was it always like this or is it a recent development?

When I get a message like that, I don’t answer. I just post/ reblog a lot of shyan content. 😊

And one last thing. Here is my wild, unimaginable & super crazy theory: Most (if not all) people, that enjoy shyan content, don’t ship them irl. We don't "ship ship" them. We don't want it to be true. We know it is just a nice little fantasy. And as long as no one gets harmed, and it makes us happy, it is completely alright. As you said, we know our limits.

I hope you have a nice day.

hi anon, thank you!

and it really is. and tbh, it's definitely not a recent development. it's actually a lot more tame than it was before (at least on tumblr) like yea sure there are some occasional times that ppl hate in the tag or send hate to blogs, but it's very minimal (thankfully). because either we just block or ignore the hate and most of the time it gets them angered while we're minding our business sldkjf

i would say like 2018/19 when it was its worst. believe it or not, shyan shippers and non-shyan shippers got along really well during the beginning of the fandom, like it really was super chill. but then of course like all fandoms, peace had to end and backlash started and it became really bad to the point where people had to leave. it didn't affect the boys tho which is good, but people were still harmed and i had to leave myself (before i made this blog) bc it was pretty bad.

but now it's def better than before!! like we keep to our spaces and non-shippers keep to theirs it's not a big deal.

and god LITERALLY like we aren't actively rooting for them to get together it's just a fun little thing we like to do. we stay in our little fandom space and that's it, it's not doing any harm to anyone. and we absolutely adore mari and sara and respect their space too as we should. and right, as long as we know our limits we're okay!

you too anon, thanks for sending the message <33

[valkyriesexual]

i got tagged in that thing about ‘post 8 shows to get to know me better’ which like... i feel like none of this makes any sense and i am dating myself here. but nevertheless.

1. buffy the vampire slayer (1997 - 2003). listen. it’s iconic. i have complicated feelings about it now, given everything we know about what the actresses went through on set with joss whedon, but at the time, it was formative. faith in the leather pants eating twizzlers in that apartment that the mayor put her up in is one of my earliest “oh i’m kinda gay” moments. belonging pt 2 still makes me cry. willow and tara. i’ll never be over it.

2. queer as folk (1999 - 2005) obviously, in the late 90s / early 2000s i was searching for queer rep anywhere i could find it.  we had just gotten direct tv, i think so my dad could watch the sopranos. little did he know, i was watching 30 year old brian fucking 18 year old justin taylor on the lowest tv volume possible after sneaking into the living room at 2 in the morning after everyone else had gone to bed. is it good representation? is it fucked up that the relationship that anchored the show was between a grown man and a teenager? i wasn’t thinking about it like that when i watched it.  i was just absolutely in awe. 

3. the l word (2004 - 2009) listen. if you watched the l word and wanted to bang shane, you were probably straight.  if you watched the l word and wanted to get railed by jennifer beals, you were just a mortal. if you watched the l word and wanted to be jenny schecter before she got that little dog... you were me. i may have been the only one in the world? i don’t know what that says about me.

4. charmed (og) (1998 - 2006) i watched charmed reruns literally every single day after school.  i adored charmed.  beautiful powerful women living in san francisco with the most bonkers late-90s / early 2000s fashion fighting demons? i was all in.  i remember my dad telling me that he thought holly marie combs was “plain looking” and i’m still offended.  Its been 25 years.

5. south of nowhere (2005 - 2008) i feel like i was the only person in the world who watched this show. it was on nickelodeon (???). it had 3 seasons. gabrielle christian moves from ohio to los angeles and falls in love with mandy musgrave. it disappeared and tbqh i can barely believe it aired when and where it did.

6. crazy ex girlfriend (2015 - 2019) a show about older ppl for an older me. i obviously relate a lot to a california attorney with a complicated relationship with her body and mental health struggles.  so. i stopped watching before the last season so i could continue to live in my fantasy world where rebecca was with nathaniel.  i know i’m in the minority, but i thought they were perfect together. the chemistry was off the charts. he matched her intellect. i loved it.

7. orange is the new black (2013 - 2020). i mean, it basically started off the rise of netflix’s original content, right? i mean, now, looking at how netflix treats their original content creators, it’s bad. but still.  and i think about danielle brooks saying "so I'm sitting there, bbq sauce on my tiddies" all the time. and i’ll never be over what they did to poussey. and how they handled it the next season by painting the killer corrections official as sympathetic. i didn’t watch anything after that season.

8. skins uk (2007-2013). this is another one that i have complicated feelings about, given what the now-adult actors have said about their experience filming the show as teens. the star power this show brought us though. dev patel. daniel kaluuya. jack o’connell. kaya scodelario. it was really something. i remember downloading it and watching it on my first laptop sitting on my fire escape and smoking as a college student and thinking that i was just so deep and grown up. how embarassing lmfao fml

[maeglinthebold]

AO3 Wrapped

From this ask game.

How many words have you written this year?

438,169 posted to AO3, and though this is artificially inflated by a good portion of it being RP and continued works from 2021, I also wrote way more than that besides (isolated scenes, pure wank material, stuff that will never see the light of day, etc.)

I’d like to thank a new fandom getting its hooks in me (OFMD) and the ending of Roswell New Mexico being so inspiringly bad for those high numbers, up from 166k in 2021 and getting me almost up to my 2020 levels (514k). 

2. How many works did you publish this year?

69 - LMAO that was NOT on purpose.

(That's an average of 6.3k per fic.)

3. What work are you most proud of (regardless of kudos/hits)?

I really enjoyed writing Hell of a Night: it was angsty and dramatic, but I liked making Stede and Ed fight a literal Kraken before they could get back together.

4. What work of yours has the most hits?

World Enough and Time - OFMD, rated E, published at a sweet spot for people interested in reading Stede/Ed. I was proud of the use of contemporary poetry, though, and very proud of the goofy sex those old men got up to in that. 

5. What work of yours got more feedback than you expected?

Start Where You Are (and Change the Ending) had some great conversations in the comments I feel like, mostly about Izzy. I wanted to get the antagonist thing right and not make him cartoonish. I feel I did that, but it’s way more work than I want to put into his character in the future, as I just don't care for him personally. Anyway, good conversations were had in the comments here, and that’s what I consider to be good feedback.

6. Favorite title you used

How the Mighty Fall (They Fall in Love) I suppose!

7. If you use song lyrics, which artist's songs did you pull from the most?

I think I saved myself from being a Fall Out Boy bitch by being a Halsey bitch first and foremost. Am I mad I used “The Lighthouse” lyrics for RNM fics before I started writing OFMD fics? Yes. Still mad. 

8. Pairing you wrote the most for this year?

Malexa with 28, followed by Blackbonnet at 16

9. Favorite pairing you wrote for this year?

Definitely those two, Malexa and Blackbonnet. I not only can't choose between them but I'll add Kyle/Max/Liz, Michael & Liz, and Maria/Kyle as honorable mentions. 

10. What work was the quickest to write?

That’s not an entirely fair question because I have so many short works that I banged out in one sitting. Also I usually have no problem getting words down once I have an idea and I have the time: it’s why I love prompts. 

11. What work took you the longest to write?

What We've Built probably took the longest by word count ratio because I kept crying during the writing of it. 

12. How many WIP's do you have in your docs for next year?

Shhhhhh. If I don’t promise anything I don’t disappoint anyone (including myself).

13. What's your longest work of the year?

With @haloud, and also continued from 2020: I Was Just An Only Child of the Universe (And Then I Found You) (117,908 words)  

With @singerofsongs: Ask for forgiveness, never permission (41,989 words)

Solo, but also a continuation from 2021: Never Let You Go (40,800 words)

14. What's your shortest work of the year?

I had quite a few double-drabbles all coming in at 200 words (by Google Doc’s count, if not AO3’s): 

Deep

Hautdesert

Watching

Adrenaline

Aftermath

Reading

15. What WIP are you taking into next year with you?

All of them. I have 17 works marked as incomplete and I will always consider them on my to-do list. Updates could happen at any time. You don’t know.

16. What's your most common "Additional Tags" tag?

Established relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Polyamory, and Humor. 

I made an effort to add “Humor” to my tags this year because it’s something I consider myself good at and thought I should advertise. 

17. Your favorite character to write this year?

By the numbers, Maria DeLuca, and that’s as it should be lol.

As far as an interesting new challenge, I’d say Stede Bonnet: it’s hard to reconcile him sounding fancy half the time and using scientific names for moths and yet also coming up with “Mr. Wavy-Blade.”  

18. The character that gave you the most trouble writing this year?

Alex Manes. Missing from most of season 4. Missing in our hearts since season 1. The version in my head is cool, it just kept getting harder and harder to reconcile him with canon. 

Also Izzy Hands, for reasons mentioned above. 

19. What's one pairing you want to explore next year?

I don’t know what new ones will grab me, otherwise more of the same! 

20. Which work of yours have you reread the most?

Probably How the Mighty Fall (They Fall in Love)

21. How many kudos in total did you get this year?

5,792

22. Which work has the most comments?

I Was Just An Only Child of the Universe (And Then I Found You) but again, that one’s been going since 2020!

23. Did you do any collaborative works this year?

Yes, loads! It’s the best part about writing fic! Thanks to my rp partners: 

@haloud: Without Question, foolish men have tried, but only you have shown me how to love being alive, stranger in a strange land, Even If It's Just in Your Wildest Dreams, love and life lines, I Was Just An Only Child of the Universe (And Then I Found You), there is a lighthouse in the middle of the deep end, You Make Me a Believer, From Roswell with Love, Kiss Me Like Your Ex Is in the Room, 

@a-singer-of-songs: Ask for forgiveness, never permission, Tell me all your thoughts on God / Cause I'm on my way to see her

@lizzy-leo: Sinking in your Eyes, Chasing Golden Nights

24. Did you write any gifts this year?

Yes! In addition to my birthday ficlet gifts (Maeg's Hobbit Birthday Gift Ficlets 2022), I wrote a few other fics I gifted to people this year: 

The E-Word for @dr-lemurr

Embedded for @haloud

Oh, she's sweet but a psycho for @primalmusic

If You Really Loved Me You Would Share Him for @haloud

Drawn for @haloud

25. Did you receive any gifts this year?

Yes! I got some lovely ones this year: 

You Bring Me Hope by @tasyfa

ours by @infp-obsessing-over-everything

i sleep to dream (the trail beneath your feet) by @haloud

26. What's your most common category?

“Multi” (the tag I use to indicate a poly ship) is my top category! 

27. What do you listen to while writing?

I like to watch video game playthroughs actually. Shoutout to @nyssaismyrealname for endless hours of HZD, HFW, AND GOW:R to have on in the background while I write.

28. Favorite work you wrote this year?

Though it’s still a WIP, I’m really loving Dangerous. Miluca Witch/Werewolf who have caught Hunter Alex and will probably fall in love with him knowing me. Turned Alex into a bunny rabbit so what’s not to love?

29. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?

“And a stake to the heart kills you?” [Michael asked.]

“Doesn’t it kill everybody?” Alex chuckled. 

“Yes,” Maria said. “Though I don’t know about—what the limits are of blood healing us? Haven't had much opportunity to test it, luckily. But I’ve definitely killed a vampire with wood through the heart.” 

“Any kind of wood?” 

“Heh,” Alex interjected. 

“This isn’t Supernatural, Michael. It doesn’t need to be a holly branch or something.” 

“Wow, you…” Michael grinned. “You had that right there, didn’t you? For someone who claims her life is nothing like hit CW series Supernatural.” 

“Shut up.” 

Michael grinned. “Okay. Okay, how about garlic?” 

“No worse than any other human food.” 

Michael nodded thoughtfully. He would really miss eating if he became a vampire. Not like these Civil War vets who could only miss hard tack and gruel. “If I drop a bag of marbles…”

“I would be pissed that you dropped a tripping hazard in front of a disabled veteran,” Alex said sternly, but Maria laughed before Michael had a chance to worry he was serious. Alex smiled. “No counting compulsion.”

(From “Drawn.” It made me laugh.)

30. Biggest surprise while writing this year?

I had no idea I wrote quite that much! 🙃 Probably a cry for help.

[maipareshaan]

Do you find yourself to be blocked by a lot of blogs due to being a hater a lot of the time? I support you but I'm curious

Lol, i had a blog in 2020, i already had an account from years ago but i never used it, i guess i just created it when i was seraching how to have a blog or something, so i never saw fandom before 2020. I started seeing posts to see Dean and D*bb era hate bcz my binge was stalled and i guess i just wanted to see stuff, bcz C*rver era made me feel like i was losing my mind and then D*bb era was just insufferably bad quality, then i became active on tumblr to see and make memes mostly, i love shitposts and crack. Mostly i was very fascinated by fandom bcz what a shitshow, truly unique, iconic.

Anyways as you can see the hate content i seeked coupled with being voyeuristic of fandom meant i was um an acquired taste.

Not sure how to make this short but i guess circle wise i was more in those wanky sam stan circles then i kinda turned on them bcz god they are so whiny and i am more bronly anyways and proship.

Anyways anon i was blocked by 98% of fandom, the most unblocked subset would be the bronly/w*ncest (i * cuz i don't want things in search btw) Sam circle.

Currently afaik i am only blocked by 1 blog, its mainly bcz i am very lowkey, i do not follow active blogs and i try to keep posts out of tags, and also i would like to think i am fairly sane and balanced currently.

Also i would say being a hater is like okay depending on what, but take responsibility for it, especially if its something like fixated character hate or strong opinions, like don't make your feelings the problem of other people mainly and don't do moral wank about it, and other people are valid to block you if they don't want negativity. Frankly i am not sure what makes me a hater currently besides my petty problem with D*sticule, if its characters i would not say i am a hater really, i think i talk about characters from a pretty chill place, like me talking about how unsexy a character is is not hate imo but ofcourse its negativity and people would not like that, esp when you see something all the time and its used to make a point as to how better the other characters or that ship is (i don't do that tho ofcourse).

Oh also fyi i never like not even once blocked anyone besides pornbots.

[winter-spark]

So... I'm realizing more and more every day that I'm really bad at reading.

Like not only do I have poor comprehension skills, I can't pronounce words properly when reading aloud, I skip around in blocks of texts when I'm not skimming and have to pause and reread words in the right words realizing I skipped words to. Sometimes I'll read a post about something that happened and I'll think its bad or good but I won't fully be sure so I read the comments and read the comments and reread the post and reread the comments and be only slightly more sure. I was taking a personality test the other day and I had to pause at this sentence:

"Safety and Security is more important to me than most people."

And I reread it. And I legit asked my sisters if it meant that I care more about safety and security than most people do or if I care about safety and security more than I care about most people.

Perfect example of me skipping around. I saw this post that read: "every time i come home from work i'm like how do people have the energy for kids and relationships. like in the most literal sense. how?" and my mutual who reblogged it had tagged it "LITERALLY" with three crying emojis.

One of the times I read it I went "how do people have the energy for kids and relationships. like literally how?" another time I read it as "Literally how do people have the time and energy for relationships." One time I read it properly all the way to "relationships. like" then I read "literally". (I saw it a couple different times while scrolling and initially was gonna put a screenshot here of it. So yes even when I know what it says I can miss read it completely)

Like what?

IDK if this has to do with anything but One time I saw a post and then the reblogs were like "lol reblog if you understood without the missing words"/"reblog if it took you a while to realize there were words missing". And I reread and reread the original post and could not decipher what was missing.

When reading aloud I might read like "The quick fox, wait sorry, the quick...brown fox j,jumped over the... oh. the lazy dog." And it's like why can't I read? like what? I literally had practice in school with popcorn reading and I still can't do it.

As I mentioned earlier, I can't pronounce words. The words "Fort Apache" came up in a conversation with my mom, and I pronounced it a-pa-chay. and my mom was like 'Don't they teach anything in school these days (I graduated with my associate's in 2020, this was earlier this year) it's A-pa-chee.'

And it probably bleeds into my writing. I spell words phoenetically a lot. Like a day or so ago I was writing and twice in close succession to each other, I wrote 'know' as 'no', I had fixed the first time before writing it the second time too. Often I mix up homophones when writing to be honest. I'll write 'our' as 'are' because that's what it sounds like. "There" and "their", which one will I use? Will it be accurate? Was I supposed to put "they're"? (Also not phonetic but sometimes I write "what" instead of "wait" and "want" instead of "what", also sometimes I get g and q mixed up)

idk. but I do feel really dumb sometimes. Once in my 6th grade English I was asked to answer a question and I was trying so hard. But was doing so poorly my teacher called on another student while I was talking. In my Junior & Senior year of high school, I was also taking college classes and so I was taking screenwriting classes and one of the assignments was to sorta explain the characters journey. Why did one of my classmates explain my main characters story better that I did? I took an anthropology/sociology class with my younger sister. She got a better score on the final essay, with more points under [while I don't remember what the part was called that I know I struggled with and she did really well on but I remember it had] something to do with understanding and explaining... something. And that's just it. I'm so bad at that.

Last night I was telling my big sister about a really small blurb I read the other day, like maybe 5 sentences long probably shorter, and she was like 'wait is it saying [that] or [this]'. And the way I was like '0.0 I don't know but that second one makes so much sense' (I had thought it was the former) and she was like 'yea, I think it was saying [this].'

Speaking of my sisters. They are so much better at research than I am. A good chunk of the serious stuff I know is because my big sister reads stuff and tells us about it. When my younger sister writes she spends half her writing time researching so she can make it as accurate as possible, my older sister researches stuff for writing too. And like... It's not that I don't research things but I get a headache trying to figure things out after short periods of time. I can't spend half an hour researching and the other half writing because if I tried to it'd be half me crying over not understanding what a specific source was saying.

Recently, I had this grand idea that I would use this account to keep people updated on the news, so I thought I'd read news articles and post links to them. I opened one up and I read it. and I read it. And the next day I reread it. And I just couldn't fully understand what it was saying. I got some of it. I did. But I couldn't fully get it. So I scrapped that idea altogether. I can't share something I don't understand. (Besides people are sharing more informed stories on social media anyway so it's not like I would've been helping much with news articles anyway probably.)

and it goes hand in hand with why only one thing really stuck for one of the assignments we did in 12th grade government. because I just lack reasonable reading comprehension skills. (yea I posted that before this as a reference for what I'm talking about.)

And idk how to end this. I just feel sad this morning about how bad my literary skills are.

[ao3feed-brucewayne]

Severed Rings

read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/KAVIolh by AaronCole0902 He is going to die here. Jason is used to fucking up, feels like he spent his whole life doing it. But this, this isn’t one he’s going to be able to come back from. This isn’t one Batman will forgive, not even Bruce could. The joker is gone, the seconds left on the bomb feel like an eternity in his mind. Everything happens at once, every sound, emotion, agonizing memory and nerve in his body are on fire, and then there is nothing. or The one where Jason Todd is ghost for his 6 month death-vacation and Tim Drake happens to be a nosy meta who can see ghosts. Words: 1137, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English Fandoms: Batman - All Media Types, Batman: Death in the Family (Movie 2020), Batman (Comics) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Major Character Death Categories: Gen Characters: Tim Drake, Bruce Wayne, Jason Todd, Alfred Pennyworth, Dick Grayson, Robin (DCU), Janet Drake, Jack Drake, Dead People - Character, ghosts - Character Relationships: Tim Drake & Jason Todd, Jason Todd & Bruce Wayne, Tim Drake & Bruce Wayne, Tim Drake & Alfred Pennyworth, Alfred Pennyworth & Jason Todd Additional Tags: Tim Drake Meta AU, Major Character Death is Canon Jason Death, Temporary Character Death, they are brothers officer, Loneliness, Depression, Anxiety, Tim Drake Needs a Hug, Jason Todd Needs A Hug, Jason Todd Gets A Hug, Tim Drake Gets a Hug, Bad Parents Jack and Janet Drake, Fuck the timeline and ages I make my own story, no beta we die like todd, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, its so sad and then gets better and then gets sad again and then gets better again, relatively happy ending bc im a sap, projecting onto fictional characters, Dissociation, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, some light body horror, will put necessary trigger warning before content i swear, Tim can see ghosts, jason is a ghost for the 6 months he is dead, They become friends, Brotherly Bonding, Developing Friendships, Healing, jason is around 15, Tim is around 11/12, they are BROTHERS you creeps let them be, Tim Drake Sees Dead People read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/KAVIolh

[j-restlessgeek]

normally I am not sure if and how I can respond to tags but yours have been so consistent and sweet for the old song videos I felt like I had to find out one way to do it :'D

Thank you so much for these wonderful words, I'm so happy to know my songs have been able to resonate with you 🥹also sorry for posting them in the middle of your works I can almost feel the frustration and that's on me x'D

With the break down well... it was not the song itself

Story time!

I had had a few days by this point to write a song which normally is more than enough time for me but this year (2020) I hadn't felt inspired to finish the song I wanted to work on. That morning I'd just vented about how I might not have anything done until the presentation that would happen two days later if this kept happening. So I scrapped everything and sat down near a bonfire (unlit) to just breathe for a moment. While sitting there a butterfly flew by me and I felt inspired enough to write Butterfly within 30-45 minutes after that.

As mentioned in the post in hindsight the song is kind of a call out to myself about the dangerous part I'm walking down repressing my identity as a nonbinary transmasculine person. That made it so in the moment the song felt raw and vulnerable yet I didn't know why. For this reason and because I got people to sing choir on it I might not have practiced it as much as I should.

Past forward to Friday where we had to present it to the whole school (60-70 people). I was playing with the first act on our little set so I hadn't had time to think about my own song at all so when it suddenly was my turn I went blank. The microphone kept falling down as well making it hard for me to concentrate on getting the words and guitarplay right so after restarting the song twice I ran out of the room visibly crying.

One teacher I have a strong bond with found me and calmed me down yet I was sure this was it: I'd missed my chance to perform my song.

But luckily that was not the case and I got a slot inbetween two other classes' presentations. However most of the women that sang choir on the song originally didn't get to perform this time given how rushed the whole situation was.

It went pretty well all things considered. Just funny to think about in retrospect how this break down might have been triggered by something else other than the situation itself :'D

This got very long, my apolegies :'D

Sorry about the late reply had to finish work first :(. But also thank you for sharing this with me. The story behind the song is in its own way beautiful. A butterfly; a sign of rebirth and a new chapter (in my mind at least). Am so glad the teacher was able to calm you down and that you still got to perform your song. It’s a banger of a song.

And oh I get the repressing until you break so well. I used to be my biggest bully for almost a decade. Agreeing with the people around me that would say that I was a waste of space, not worthy to live, that no person would ever love me that am not worth anyone’s affection or love. That I had no reason to cry or they would give me one. But I also had a bully that was outside of my own mind. Used to kick, hit and yell at me. That am a stupid bitch, that my place in the world is wasted, etc. used to aim balls at my face. (was fun in 3.-4. grade) now I feel sorry for him, his home live must had been hard.

I would reject people cause I was so low and filled with self hatred and believed that people deserve to be actually loved and not tricked into it. I still believe that you have to love yourself first before loving someone else unconditionally. (Teenage me had no idea that the answer no to having a type or crush was valid)

Nowadays I wish I could tell my younger self that she is worthy to be loved, that she isn’t broken or a waste. And that the people who think so aren’t worth a second thought.

But I also know that my younger self wouldn’t believe me. Big trust issues.

Anyways it got really bad and I broke a few times before getting to the point where I am now. I found music and my passion plus one of my favourite people at the same time. He was so free in his own being, was pleasantly loud and proud of me. He was funny too and soft. (We don’t work together anymore but I work towards it) (maybe one day I will see and work with him again).

I am in a much better place now, I know more about myself. I worked out most of my self hatred, I haven’t been absolutely horrible in a year. Of course with small flare ups. But there were more good days as there were bad days. I have accepted that am weird and not fit for the norm.

I hope this wasn’t too depressing.